Before you start making any quick conclusions, and theories about me, read this blog post. Just read it.
It would be a bit too much to say that I've never really felt like a girl, because there were times that I was kind of okay with my gender assigned at birth, and I thought that "kind of okay" is enough. But, the truth is, I've always felt a bit boy-ish. When I was three years old, I thought that there's something wrong with me, and that my penis will eventually grow. When I was six, I asked my mother why am I not a boy. This thought stucked with me, and I've never let go of it. But, the truth is that I never felt like a "real" man, so I kind of accepted the fact that I am a girl, who is a bit masculine.
Anyways, I have to say that I've never dealt with my gender as much as my sexual orientation up to this year, BUT I've always had in mind that I am not a "typicall" girl, or something. I've always felt different for some reason, and not in the sense that I would be like super socialy awkward, but the idea of me being called a girl was funny, and weird for me. Also, I did not feel comfortable if someone would thought that I am a man, and because I didn't understand that, and had no knowledge about gender, I pushed those thoughts aside, and everything came out this year, after I discovered that there are so many genders outside the binary system. As said in my last post, it was truly mind-blowing, because I could finnaly let myself be.
So, here's what happened. I did a little research about non-binary genders (you can find some of them in the link I posted in the last blog), and eventually found out that I am a demiboy (<- click on the word for information). For now. You see, gender, for me, is such a marvelous thing if you put it out of expectations of society. You can let it flow, and you can express yourself in anyway you want, but the problem is that society does not recognize non-binary identites at all. I mean, all transgender people are not really in a happy place here (at least for some time), on planet Earth. Transgender people are exposed to massive violence, transphobia, which can cause mental illness, suicide, etc. Society will always see you as a man or a female, because "there is no other options", which is stressful, and hurtful, and it erases all the beautiful genders that are whether a mix of both binary genders, completely outside the binary spectrum, and there are people who have no gender at all! For short, there is so much transphobia in this world that is scary, disturbing, and utterly unpleasent. I have a privilege to talk about these topics without any big fear of being attacked (not even exaggarating that much, sadly), and this violence has to stop. Transgender people are not the USA problem, or a problem outside the boarders of your country. We are your neighbours, friends, family, good people, bad people, sinners, saints, artists, politicians, workers, students, teachers, people. Not monsters. I am a weird person most of the time, in many sense of the word, but I am not weird because of my gender. If you think that my gender is making me weird, ask yourself the same question.
So, what has changed for me.
Ever since I've started seriously dealing with my gender identity, my dressing style became very important to me. In high school I hated shopping, now, quite opposite really. I also cut my hair a few weeks ago, and I've started using different pronouns than before. I use "they" in English, because it's gender neutral, and I mix male and female pronouns in Slovene, because we have no gender neutral pronouns, which sucks but that's the best we can do for now. Also, I've started using the name Filip for myself. I am so mixing my two names, and pronouns, but just a tip; if you call me Filip next time you see me, you will probably get a hug or at least a big, honest, happy smile. :)
That's it for now, more next time. Thank you for your support! <3 If you have any questions, you can contact me, and I will try to help you!
Shocked? No? What am I then?
I believe a lot of people assume that I am a lesbian, but the thruth is I've never said that directly, unless people sort of forced me to. I identify as bisexual, but that doesn't mean I am attracted to men. See, bisexuality is much more than you might think. Bisexuality is not a phase, it does indeed exist, and it is beautiful. Here's a little definiton of it:
So, very roughly said, it means that you are attracted to two genders or more. When I realized that there are more that two genders in this world, it was indeed mind-blowing, because I simply couldn't have known it before. How could I? We are brought up in this binary world, where you are whether a boy or a girl, straight or a homosexual, and any other identities or sexual orientations are simply erased or hardly mentioned and discussed. So, when I've learned that there are more genders around me, I realized that a lesbian identity is simply completely too narrow for me, because the only thing I know is that I am not attracted to men. It's probably a bit complicated if you're not familiar with the concept of non-binary genders. That's why I'm posting this link: http://genderqueerid.com/gq-terms . Here you can find some of the non-binary identites, and terminology.
To conclude, I am a bisexual person traveling through this life. It's been quite hard for me to tell people that I am bisexual, because I know I will always have to explain things to them, and sometimes I play along, and say I am a lesbian, or I say nothing at all. But, I am trying to avoid that. More and more. Because I feel more confident, and prepared to talk about it, and because I believe it's important to inform people about those things, if we ever want to achieve a more open society.
Also, there is one more reason I couldn't identify as a lesbian. I am actually not a woman. But more on that; next time. Thank you for your support, dear readers!
When I started coming out to my friends, I thought that it was crucial for me to find "my" people, people who are a part of LGBT+ community, and that would become my friends. This idea, as mentioned in older posts, was frustrating for me, and annoying. I was put through a lot of stress because of that, beside other things, and I started smoking, because I needed something to relax me. Not a healthy decision, I know, but it did help me, and it's the one thing I've never tried before.
So, a week after I started visiting my councelor, I attended LGBT+ Weekend Camp, and it was another wise decision of mine, I would say. The topic we had was feminism, and I've learned a lot about it, but, most importantly, I met people! who eventually became very important to me. After the Camp I was really filled with energy, ideas, and big need of helping, volunteering, being an activist, etc. That's why I became a volunteer at our LGBT organization, and I really wanted to be wherever they'd need me. Still am like that, though, but at the time I was also doing it, because I wanted that people would recognize me, remember me, see me as a part of a group, so that I would feel I belong somewhere. I would say I had a bit of luck on my side, when it comes to people that I've met, because today I am mostly spending my time with very open, radical, and wonderful people that are giving me a chance to grow as a person and as an activist, and I can be myself around them. I mean what more can I ask for?
I attended almost every event that had something to do with feminism, LGBT+ topics, human rights, etc., and there was plenty of does this year. And after the Camp I attended Pride Week, which consisted of many amazing workshops on identities, sexualities, etc., and it was another thing that made me think more about my gender and sexuality, something I haven't really done before. Well, sure, I've known since ever that I am not straight, but am I really a lesbian? Or a female even? Those questions appered in my head and are going to stuck there, probably, forever.
But more on that, next time. If you have any questions, stories what-so-ever, feel free to contact me. :)
March of 2015. That's when I started coming out to people. Firsty, to my brother and parents, and later to two or three friends. It was so scary. It really was. When I talked to my brother I couldn't stop crying, I was terryfied, and I knew I couldn't talk to my parents about it. I tried, but just couldn't, even though I kind of knew that they don't have such a bad attitude towards gays or lesbians, at least. So, I left them a letter before I went to Ljubljana again. Mum called the next day, saying how she kind of knew that before, and I felt a little bit better. But she also said I shouldn't talk about it to just everyone. At the time I didn't even think about it, I didn't want all of the people to know, not even the ones close to me. I didn't want to put anyone from my family or friends into an awkward position because of my sexual orientation. I suddenly felt a big responsibility for every action I'd make. Yes, I came out, and I thought that things would get better, but I felt even more lost. I felt angy with the fact that I have to come out to all the people that I care so much, and put at risk every relationship because of that.
So, I stopped coming out to people. I listened to people who'd tell me not to talk about it, to hide it, to be careful about it, and I believed them. But these pressures inside of me affected me badly. All this come-out-and-it-will-get-better thing wasn't true in my case. That's why I decided to get a therapist. At first I wanted to contact a therapist who's dealing especially with LGBT+ Youth, but I was low on money, and didn't want to ask parents for it, so, I had no idea what to do, until I realized that there is free counceling at our LGBT organization, so I contacted them in May, and got my first appointment with my counceler, which was probably one of the best decisions I made this year. I was nervous, of course, because I didn't know what to expect, but I already felt better after the first session. She helped me, and still does, a lot!
We reached a point, dear readers, when the curve turned its way from down to up for me, and things were starting to get better, and lighter. Well, ups and downs were of course present, and still are, but my mind state about myself started to slowly change.
Any questions? Ask me, and take care. :)
The second year of college was crucial for my coming out story. It was both painful, and extremely beautiful for me, but never easy. Never. Not in a bad day, though. I found out that hard things one overcomes only make them stronger, and that's what I'm trying to tell myself everytime I encounter an obstacle.
I would say that last October started pretty much peacfully. I was thinking about my sexuality, and I was thinking about accepting it once and for all. Still, the pressure rising inside of me, not able to talk to anyone, since I've been still a little ashamed of it at the time, and constant research on LGBT+ topics, made me feel alone, confused, and frustrated. I'd say that this little war of mine started to affect me really bad. It was like I knew how to save myself from this, but I just didn't do it. I didn't make sure that the wound inside of me could heal. I basically tourtured myself with not speaking about me, and my sexuality to anyone. Also, I started noticing how much homophobia there's around me, and it was quite hurtful for me to listen or read such comments. But everything changed in December. Slowly, of course, but yet, quite successfully.
So, in December I really, honestly, and deeply felt a need to talk to someone. I was silent for too many years, I told myself, and that's why I turned to a person, whom I trusted, but at the same time she had nothing to do with my personal life. I turned to profesor's assistant, and gave her a letter in which I wrote that I like girls, and described my struggles and fears connected with it. And then she kind of became my first part of a support system. I could talk to her, she helped me a lot by just listening to me. She also attended an event with me organized by our LGBT organization, and I am still very grateful for that, because she was the first person to whom I clearly came out to, and also the first person that made me feel okay with who I am. Then I, more or less, regulary attended those events, and it wasn't really easy for me; I knew no one from LGBT+ community at the time, and I was angry with the fact that I have to find a special group of people just because I am not straight, so I can speak about myself without having a fear I'm going to lose someone.
These things and acknowledgments about myself, made me feel powerful enough to consider coming out to my family and friends. It took me a couple of months more to gain strength, and courage, but these first steps into unknown gave me fuel to even think about it for the first time, and later I execute it. But more, next time.
Thank you for all of your support, and love! It means a lot to me <3 If you have any questions, you can contact me. Write to you soon! ^^
New start, new beginning, new people, new lifestyle, new school system, new. Everything was new for me, and that's the reason I thought I'm going to escape myself. And for a while I did, because I was consuming everything new coming my way. But the broken parts of me started to ache again. And again. And again.
I am attending 3rd year this October, and I can say everything has changed comparing to the first year. But, let's take a step by step, shall we?
First year, as mentioned, was both amazing, and scary. Amazing because of all the new things, and scary because of me dealing with me. I've still had self-esteem issues, but the question about my sexuality was popping out much more often, and agressive than before. It was a time of wishing for me to not feel the way I do. I couldn't accept it, although I felt it every day. I was crying a lot because of it. Falling in love was painful and shameful. I had really bad days, and my friends noticed that. They'd always ask me what's wrong, and you can imagine that I couldn't tell the right reason for my sadness. So, I constantly repeated the same problems I had, that seemed, to me, more "understandable", and "ordinary", for instance how I hate myself, or how I feel I have no one, or something. Their nice words made me feel better, but they never healed the right wound, even though I was constantly saying to myself, that it's going to be better, that I will hide my feelings again, and so on, and so on.
But, there was a little click in my head during the last months of first year. I became curious. I'd watch every single youtube video about coming out, I'd read things about LGBT+ topics, and most importantly I've started talking to people during the summer of 2014. Not like every person I'd meet, but to two, or three of my friends, that I trusted most at the time. I didn't really come out to them, I just said that I might not be straight. At the time I hadn't actually admit it to myself yet, and it felt weird to say a thing like that out loud, but it helped me to think about it more, and more, and in a much more positive way than before. I was still struggling, and I didn't know what to do with this information about myself, but I kept researching, and I still am actually. I always will.
I've finished my second year this June, and it is still quite cruical to me. It probably going to be forever. But more on that, next time. Thank you so much for your support! :)
I was dealing with my sexuality for years, and in a way still am, although in a different aspect, but I'll come back to this some other time, maybe. It was hard, it really was. I realized I wasn't straight in the last year of primary school, when I was 14 or 15. I think it was the first time I thought of that possibility. I felt weird, and it also felt abnormal, unreal, I was thinking "not me, na-ah." And I pushed it down, somewhere in the depths of my body, and soul, and heart. My school-mate came out as gay the same year, and I was really proud of him, and at the same time I was thinking:"For me it's probably just a phase." Today I know, that this phase have been lasting for whole my life, since I've also done some reflections on my childhood. But the most stressful period dealing with myself was high school.
Those 4 years were hard for me. I wasn't bullied, I had friends, I was a good student, and the school was great but the wars inside of me didn't let me see that, and I'm still getting over it. It wasn't just my sexuallity at the time that was bothering me. I had low self-esteem, I was thinking too much, I had big expectations of me, I didn't want to do any mistakes towards others, because I felt like I will lose people that way. I thought everything was so fragile around me, and that I have to be strong, perfect, and keep everything together. I cared about the others as much as I hated myself. Everything about me. The face, the voice, the attitude, the humour, the height, the weight, and my sexuality which didn't even cross my mind that often, but I was aware of it, because I was falling in love with girls all of the time, and it was painfull, and I couldn't talk to anyone at all about it. I never had those I-have-a-crush-on-him-isn't-he-cute conversations with my friends. It was just me, and me, making the same dialogues over and over again. I felt trapped. I'd always pick a guy, and when the question came up:"Who do you like?" I would say his name, and try to change the topic. It was usually simple, because I just had to ask the same question back, and we were good for half an hour. But, the longing of speaking about my feelings was growing and growing, until it stuck inside of me, and stayed there for the next 3 years.
Slowly but surely, I kind of started to accept this "abnormal" part of me while still in high school. The only thing that was still tearing me up was my religion. Yes, I'm writing in a past tense, because it is over. I came to a conclusion about my religion. I'm coming from a Catholic environment, and religion is something that has always been constantly present in my life. I had my I-wanna-be-super-religious moments, and I had lots of What-the-fuck moments, but for me, now, God is love, and that's it. I have no further sayings about it, because it's that simple. I still have faith on which I can lean on, but nothing more really. I don't need anything else, and I don't care so much anymore what Church has to say about anything that "is not according to Bible", but it still hurts, and I am not the only one in this position, but let me finish here.
So, to conclude, I would lie if I'd say I didn't wish to be straight, but now, I wouldn't have it any other way. Why? You'll have to wait, my dear readers, I still have some stuff to share. :)
If you have any questions about anything, contact me. And THANK YOU for such amazing response to my pilot post. I feel great because of that! <3
