It would be a bit too much to say that I've never really felt like a girl, because there were times that I was kind of okay with my gender assigned at birth, and I thought that "kind of okay" is enough. But, the truth is, I've always felt a bit boy-ish. When I was three years old, I thought that there's something wrong with me, and that my penis will eventually grow. When I was six, I asked my mother why am I not a boy. This thought stucked with me, and I've never let go of it. But, the truth is that I never felt like a "real" man, so I kind of accepted the fact that I am a girl, who is a bit masculine.
Anyways, I have to say that I've never dealt with my gender as much as my sexual orientation up to this year, BUT I've always had in mind that I am not a "typicall" girl, or something. I've always felt different for some reason, and not in the sense that I would be like super socialy awkward, but the idea of me being called a girl was funny, and weird for me. Also, I did not feel comfortable if someone would thought that I am a man, and because I didn't understand that, and had no knowledge about gender, I pushed those thoughts aside, and everything came out this year, after I discovered that there are so many genders outside the binary system. As said in my last post, it was truly mind-blowing, because I could finnaly let myself be.
So, here's what happened. I did a little research about non-binary genders (you can find some of them in the link I posted in the last blog), and eventually found out that I am a demiboy (<- click on the word for information). For now. You see, gender, for me, is such a marvelous thing if you put it out of expectations of society. You can let it flow, and you can express yourself in anyway you want, but the problem is that society does not recognize non-binary identites at all. I mean, all transgender people are not really in a happy place here (at least for some time), on planet Earth. Transgender people are exposed to massive violence, transphobia, which can cause mental illness, suicide, etc. Society will always see you as a man or a female, because "there is no other options", which is stressful, and hurtful, and it erases all the beautiful genders that are whether a mix of both binary genders, completely outside the binary spectrum, and there are people who have no gender at all! For short, there is so much transphobia in this world that is scary, disturbing, and utterly unpleasent. I have a privilege to talk about these topics without any big fear of being attacked (not even exaggarating that much, sadly), and this violence has to stop. Transgender people are not the USA problem, or a problem outside the boarders of your country. We are your neighbours, friends, family, good people, bad people, sinners, saints, artists, politicians, workers, students, teachers, people. Not monsters. I am a weird person most of the time, in many sense of the word, but I am not weird because of my gender. If you think that my gender is making me weird, ask yourself the same question.
So, what has changed for me.
Ever since I've started seriously dealing with my gender identity, my dressing style became very important to me. In high school I hated shopping, now, quite opposite really. I also cut my hair a few weeks ago, and I've started using different pronouns than before. I use "they" in English, because it's gender neutral, and I mix male and female pronouns in Slovene, because we have no gender neutral pronouns, which sucks but that's the best we can do for now. Also, I've started using the name Filip for myself. I am so mixing my two names, and pronouns, but just a tip; if you call me Filip next time you see me, you will probably get a hug or at least a big, honest, happy smile. :)
That's it for now, more next time. Thank you for your support! <3 If you have any questions, you can contact me, and I will try to help you!
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