College years part 1

New start, new beginning, new people, new lifestyle, new school system, new. Everything was new for me, and that's the reason I thought I'm going to escape myself. And for a while I did, because I was consuming everything new coming my way. But the broken parts of me started to ache again. And again. And again.

I am attending 3rd year this October, and I can say everything has changed comparing to the first year. But, let's take a step by step, shall we?

First year, as mentioned, was both amazing, and scary. Amazing because of all the new things, and scary because of me dealing with me. I've still had self-esteem issues, but the question about my sexuality was popping out much more often, and agressive than before. It was a time of wishing for me to not feel the way I do. I couldn't accept it, although I felt it every day. I was crying a lot because of it. Falling in love was painful and shameful. I had really bad days, and my friends noticed that. They'd always ask me what's wrong, and you can imagine that I couldn't tell the right reason for my sadness. So, I constantly repeated the same problems I had, that seemed, to me, more "understandable", and "ordinary", for instance how I hate myself, or how I feel I have no one, or something. Their nice words made me feel better, but they never healed the right wound, even though I was constantly saying to myself, that it's going to be better, that I will hide my feelings again, and so on, and so on.

But, there was a little click in my head during the last months of first year. I became curious. I'd watch every single youtube video about coming out, I'd read things about LGBT+ topics, and most importantly I've started talking to people during the summer of 2014. Not like every person I'd meet, but to two, or three of my friends, that I trusted most at the time. I didn't really come out to them, I just said that I might not be straight. At the time I hadn't actually admit it to myself yet, and it felt weird to say a thing like that out loud, but it helped me to think about it more, and more, and in a much more positive way than before. I was still struggling, and I didn't know what to do with this information about myself, but I kept researching, and I still am actually. I always will.

I've finished my second year this June, and it is still quite cruical to me. It probably going to be forever. But more on that, next time. Thank you so much for your support! :)