I was dealing with my sexuality for years, and in a way still am, although in a different aspect, but I'll come back to this some other time, maybe. It was hard, it really was. I realized I wasn't straight in the last year of primary school, when I was 14 or 15. I think it was the first time I thought of that possibility. I felt weird, and it also felt abnormal, unreal, I was thinking "not me, na-ah." And I pushed it down, somewhere in the depths of my body, and soul, and heart. My school-mate came out as gay the same year, and I was really proud of him, and at the same time I was thinking:"For me it's probably just a phase." Today I know, that this phase have been lasting for whole my life, since I've also done some reflections on my childhood. But the most stressful period dealing with myself was high school.
Those 4 years were hard for me. I wasn't bullied, I had friends, I was a good student, and the school was great but the wars inside of me didn't let me see that, and I'm still getting over it. It wasn't just my sexuallity at the time that was bothering me. I had low self-esteem, I was thinking too much, I had big expectations of me, I didn't want to do any mistakes towards others, because I felt like I will lose people that way. I thought everything was so fragile around me, and that I have to be strong, perfect, and keep everything together. I cared about the others as much as I hated myself. Everything about me. The face, the voice, the attitude, the humour, the height, the weight, and my sexuality which didn't even cross my mind that often, but I was aware of it, because I was falling in love with girls all of the time, and it was painfull, and I couldn't talk to anyone at all about it. I never had those I-have-a-crush-on-him-isn't-he-cute conversations with my friends. It was just me, and me, making the same dialogues over and over again. I felt trapped. I'd always pick a guy, and when the question came up:"Who do you like?" I would say his name, and try to change the topic. It was usually simple, because I just had to ask the same question back, and we were good for half an hour. But, the longing of speaking about my feelings was growing and growing, until it stuck inside of me, and stayed there for the next 3 years.
Slowly but surely, I kind of started to accept this "abnormal" part of me while still in high school. The only thing that was still tearing me up was my religion. Yes, I'm writing in a past tense, because it is over. I came to a conclusion about my religion. I'm coming from a Catholic environment, and religion is something that has always been constantly present in my life. I had my I-wanna-be-super-religious moments, and I had lots of What-the-fuck moments, but for me, now, God is love, and that's it. I have no further sayings about it, because it's that simple. I still have faith on which I can lean on, but nothing more really. I don't need anything else, and I don't care so much anymore what Church has to say about anything that "is not according to Bible", but it still hurts, and I am not the only one in this position, but let me finish here.
So, to conclude, I would lie if I'd say I didn't wish to be straight, but now, I wouldn't have it any other way. Why? You'll have to wait, my dear readers, I still have some stuff to share. :)
If you have any questions about anything, contact me. And THANK YOU for such amazing response to my pilot post. I feel great because of that! <3
Ni komentarjev:
Objavite komentar